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Since several of you brought it up: i don't think my therapist was terrible for blundering into grief that i don't think about much these days. My discussion of my mother with this current therapist has mainly been about worries about Mom's care with dementia and paralysis, and care for my Dad and my sister as they care for her, etc. The other has been about how Mom was not able to relax and make friends: ways in which she wasn't a role model. We've had very little discussion about the traumas of my childhood and her poor behavior because i haven't felt the need. It took years and years and therapeutic drugs and multiple therapists and therapies to get there, but i did make peace with my childhood and as much as i could over how she poisoned her relationship with Christine (long ruined before Christine's transition). I'm sure i couldn't have moved so close if i hadn't made that peace, and i'm thankful i was able to tell Mom things and set boundaries when she was capable of understanding them.
The context with my therapist was her telling me i was reliable, and my not quite willing to take that unqualified. Reliable enough, i said. She was trying to encourage me to accept that, and i could get her point as she talked about "good enough mothers" in the abstract. My sister worries about her failures in mothering, but she is certainly a good enough mother. I can understand how "good enough" doesn't point to someone just doing the minimum for selfish reasons or going through the actions, but points to complications and externalities and failures that makes an absolute judgement perhaps out of reach. I got her point.
And when my therapist tossed off the aside of "Your mother was good enough," i know she was doing it because -- even if i have a hard time feeling it some times -- i am professionally successful, working with people i like and doing things i enjoy. I have meaningful things i care about. I have an excellent relationship with my spouse, my sister, my father -- and -- at this point in time, with the person she is at the moment -- my mother.
For me the important thing with my therapist was that she quickly noticed the mistake and made every effort to take care of me after that.
The context with my therapist was her telling me i was reliable, and my not quite willing to take that unqualified. Reliable enough, i said. She was trying to encourage me to accept that, and i could get her point as she talked about "good enough mothers" in the abstract. My sister worries about her failures in mothering, but she is certainly a good enough mother. I can understand how "good enough" doesn't point to someone just doing the minimum for selfish reasons or going through the actions, but points to complications and externalities and failures that makes an absolute judgement perhaps out of reach. I got her point.
And when my therapist tossed off the aside of "Your mother was good enough," i know she was doing it because -- even if i have a hard time feeling it some times -- i am professionally successful, working with people i like and doing things i enjoy. I have meaningful things i care about. I have an excellent relationship with my spouse, my sister, my father -- and -- at this point in time, with the person she is at the moment -- my mother.
For me the important thing with my therapist was that she quickly noticed the mistake and made every effort to take care of me after that.
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