elainegrey

Wednesday: Therapy. Assignment is to schedule a pleasurable activity every day, something that can be used as a reward or incentive. Fifteen minutes seemed like the minimum duration. It's a little longer than i really want for a sort of "Spend an hour on the project management work and then you can do X" type reward. I spend so much time in this edge space of doing things that are a pleasure but also good for me, like reading your journals and writing my own. This is my social interactions, i can't not do it. I don't want to say this is contingent on something else. But it's also a pleasure (except for the part where i want to write a comment and don't know what to say, or when feel i need to reply to *your* kind comments and it's hard to think of the words with which to interact).

I explained my breathing misery and my plan to see if i could get into a specialist: it turns out the clinic needs a referral. And then i was explaining how hard it is to see my primary care, but i'd put in a request for a referral. The land line rang from my doctor's office with the option of a 7:45 am appointment on Friday (telepresence was OK!).

Thursday: After work i spent 15 min petting Edward, which he pretty much appreciated. I will admit to looking at my watch. I think i needed more distraction right after work than that, because my mind went to some work questions i needed to tease apart.

I also spent two hours hanging out and talking with the team about what we were committed to doing, various technical design issues, trying to help them organize releases. It was a bit draining to be on. I recognize i say extreme things ("Feel free to tell me i'm stupid") that stem from my discomfort in talking. It's not helpful. I need to find a way to be more grounded as we go forward with me being more active with them day to day.

Friday: Visit went well with primary care, on the same page. He sent me for an x-ray (negative), and will be making a referral. I am fuzzy about how magically the referral will work: i will send questions about next steps Monday evening if no other information appears.

At lunch i found myself in tears over my overwhelmend feelings with respect to facing holiday planning.

Another change at work: i'll be attending standup. It's been so long: i feel some stress about the visibility and the hyperawareness this will trigger for me about my effectiveness. Another place where i will need to be more grounded.

My after work reward/incentive was to read one of our many art books, Clifford Ross: Landscape Seen & Imagined. This was better in that my mind could have other things to hold onto, and i did not look at my watch.

Last night & this morning: read a novel, then stalled. Novels are hard for me to use as an incentive because i don't stop. It the complete binge that happens and then the fact i did not intend to spend all my time reading but needed to do other things that

Just had a trigger to my overwhelmend feelings with respect to not being outside and my stalled sense. Frustrated at the planning fail for my brother's visit. Dad wants us to be together tomorrow, didn't realize my brother will also be here Monday and that i have taken time off work for it. All very nebulous..... and sister L called, we've come up with a visit schedule, and [insert trenchant observation about who does the labor of coordinating schedules here].