elainegrey

Monday morning: sent email to the meeting list, noting the mentions of weddings and long marriages as we shared joys at the end of worship, and asked folks to hold those pained by the prop 8 decision in the light.

Receive back several direct emails. Some had a "Thanks for bringing that up on the list, it's been on my mind, too," nature, which seems appropriate. Two messages annoyed me: one forwarded a powerful speech given at an interfaith rally by the clerk of Davis Meeting with note that it was so good the sender read some of it to another rally. (He couldn't read the whole thing because the speech was by someone who is gay speaking from his own experience.) The other message outlined the efforts this person pursued in the past with the Briggs initiative and working with people with AIDS, and how shocked she was that prop 8 passed.

When i examined why these annoyed me, i realized it was because they were direct messages to me -- not the full community -- attesting to their concern, too. I received the message, "Look at me, i cared, i fought."

Only one reply, on Tuesday morning, was to the whole list, a question, explicitly not rhetorical, asking what we as a Meeting could do to stand in solidarity. There was a list of things to consider, things i've wondered about, so i chimed back in there, as thoughtfully and personally as i could. That took up all my Tuesday morning time.

I told the person who sent the speech that it was nice, perhaps he should consider sending it to the whole list. I'm trying to let go of the little seed of resentment but it lodges too close to other little seeds of resentment i have about this person's process and integrity.

The other person has emailed me several more times. As i reread her email, i realize she's trying to show her pain and is, perhaps, asking for support from someone who seems sympathetic. Wednesday afternoon i replied to her, trying not to react to Have you heard of marriage referred to as "heterosexist privilege"? Much of what you speak to is a fuller examination of that privilege. and focussing more on the pain she expressed. But wow, look at my buttons get pushed! I know it's not a zero sum game: i can honor her long term efforts and activism and witness without diminishing my own understanding and experience. I wish i could figure out what it is in the email that makes me *feel* it's a zero sum game.

This morning i ran across mactavish's post about a morning radio show and some mean and violent statements made about transgendered teens. With Christine's background in radio, i've a depth of history to imagine the situation at the station. I wrote the station manager, mainly to fight the vision i had of him as a powerless craven pawn of large companies like clear channel, or a frightens powerless craven pawn of a station owner panicked about the market erosion due to competing media and large corporations like clear channel. It isn't true that one must give up all one's integrity to be a station manager. (Although i recently chatted over a beer with someone who had left radio in the '90s, too, and they shared the same sense as Christine did about how radio had been ruined by the large company consolidations and fake local programs and the station programming from out of market.)

I distract myself thinking about radio, skirting around the anger the dialogue caused.

I also tracked down some folks to contact about the state of the bay trail gap at Moffett. I'll post at gcc about that soon.

Work started at 7:30 on Monday, 7 am today, and Tuesday night i was out late in the city for a colleague's brother's book-reading. I'm worried about my energy levels with the meeting retreat this weekend, intense meetings at work Tuesday & Wednesday, and a conference in Austin the following week.

See this transformation happen and i ponder how i can know when to "correct." I am not doing some practices, like morning writing, that ground me -- but i don't feel ungrounded. I continue to be aware of emotional and physical energy limits -- but those limits have expanded. Am i summer-spending a winter-reservoir? (Is this simply season change along with an even better working environment?) Am i over-spending my spoons and will i be whomped by depression by the end of June? I had the bout in late February, then lethargy due to the UTI, then this eye thing and some lethargy, yet... yet...

Not yet. I'll continue with the experiment.