elainegrey

Workday: back pain was noticeable and tiring. New Director conversation was ... probably better than i want to let myself think. I am so burned from the past. My promotion is approved, he told me, did i know? My face freezes up and I begin to check what he is saying carefully. He burbles, i probe: it turns out that HR has approved it, but the paperwork isn't done and the VP hasn't approved it. He has burned me so many times: i do not believe anything from him until there's separate verification.

Anyhow, yay, promotion. Soon i will have the same title as everybody else who is doing the same work as i do.

I think ... maybe ... we are clear on the work issue. Again, i don't trust him one inch. But he seemed to comprehend the issues with the higher priorities. I will test that understanding later today to see that we have resolved the point.

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I have never been very regular with my menstrual cycle. Regularly irregular, i should say: several months of clockwork and then, surprise! late! early! I've been feeling the PMS tension for days now, and i am fairly confident that it's in a vicious cycle with the work stress. The stress somehow tells my body, "Not yet, we may go to defcon 1 ANY MINUTE." The elevated hormones get in line ahead of rational thought and keep going, "Ohmygodthisisnotgood." Stress, then goes, "Yup, we're in danger. Any minute now...." Meanwhile rational thought mutters about the drama queens. I am expecting that, any minute now, the stress will go, "Oh. It's all good." And because the hormones are right there, as soon as the drop in alert levels happen, my period will start. Perhaps stress is waiting until Tuesday afternoon when all meetings with New Director are over.

Meanwhile, am i menopausal yet? Nightsweats seem unrelated. I have whiskers, though, and my temperature regulation seems off.

Rational thought does not like thinking that drama queen hormones are going to get even more ascendant before quieting down.

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So, therapy was fine. He caught my framing of writing resumes in an unrealistic way: i was bewailing my ability to PROVE i could do X, he pointed out that that's not what i need to do. I need to Describe. He's proscribing a course of sending out resumes.

I don't think he gets my stuckness, "but i don't know if i want those jobs." On the other hand, i'm there because i'm stuck and listening to me defend being stuck isn't helping.

I talked about a project i had aeons ago to journal about my years of employment to help me reframe the years as something positive. When i bewailed the time block on journalling (yes, don't look at me that way: i have to get the worries and anxieties and fears out of my head first before tackling directed writing), he suggested audio notes. And i could subscribe to a transcription service. ($5/week for 700+ words)

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I am glad i hadn't picked out kitchen intensive plans for food over the coming holidays: kitchen intensive is standing intensive, and i'm iffy on my back and standing right now. Our plans were, as soon as the dishwasher went on strike, to order a pizza (as i mentioned before). We then went to the grocery store and we've come up with a cold spread of pickles and olives, vegetarian cold cuts, and plans for freshly made cranberry dressing and pimento cheese.

I read tx_cronopio's simple poll of plans, and i'm not sure any quite fit.

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At 4:30 this morning, when i woke from dreams of how to deal with a personel issue that New Director has rightly laid on my plate, my back wasn't bothering me as i walked a bit to deal with necessities. A friend had suggested that if i was very relaxed and had a good night's sleep, the pain might pass quickly. So i had 2 oz of vodka and was out like a light. As i tried to doze back off, and instead tumbled the problem of this personel issue over in my mind and my heart, the lower back ache came through. It is an ache and not the pain so it's better.