elainegrey

"Think of things I do and use on a day-to-day basis: How do these things improve my quality of life?"

I am really happy with the "to do list" manager i have built with Airtable. I remember variations of to do lists i've maintained over the years. One of the challenges was maintaining the list, including adding on regular tasks and reminders. I've been able to use the "low code" programming with Airtable to be able to automate reminders for every N days, specific days of the week, and every day. I just add the reminders to the table of "chores" and they show up the next day or a year from now.And then they show up again. I would love to switch some things to a "N days after finishing" function, but the friction of tweaking when i take forever to get around to something is still pretty low.

It's not a resolution, per se, but with declaring some levels of "bankruptcy" with my life and paying more attention to having enough energy to close out my day, i'm having a smoother time.

--== ∞ ==--

My new Linux mini PC arrived last night and we did have sufficient MDI cables for me to hook up a gadget i bought last spring as monitor, keyboard, and mouse to get started with Ubuntu. I'm almost at having the ability to remote into a desktop, but it's possible that i can make do with just ssh into it. Ha, i bet Emacs will work smoothly on it! I quit using Emacs on the mac after some level of permissions lock down meant i'd have to compile it to get it to work, which i couldn't justify for my employment: i switched to visual studio code.

COVID-19 may be not a respiratory but vascular illness: this article notes some details about the protein needed to open the virus up and its ubiquity. Also proposed some different treatment pathways.

--== ∞ ==--

Happy with strawberries from market, despite California origin, despite mold on one. Delicious Sunday night and will have for lunch with chickpeas that have been soaking in a mint-orange dressing. I was so happy, when i found the nearby strawberry farm was opening for the first time after so much rain, i immediately drove over and bought a flat.

The mint-orange dressing is a qualified success. I made it to go on baked cod on Saturday night and added far too much vinegar. On the other hand, the slight blanch of the mint leaves and then chopping the mint before blending ensured a longer green state for the mint and that the ribs weren't stringy in the result. By slight blanch - i put one cup of tightly packed leaves in a colander and poured boiling water over them, then rinsed with cold water.

Next is to try a cucumber-yogurt-mint salad. ANd maybe dehydrating some of the spearmint. I also have peppermint and a mint that theoretically smells of wintergreen, but ... well, i don't get it. I ponder getting rid of those mints. (Well, trying, at least.) Or maybe planting them in the orchard where they can blend in as a ground cover. The spearmint was barely thriving with the pressure of of other plants and only took off when i weeded and mulched aggressively to protect them.

I also [tried to buy] some almonds to try making a mint "pesto." [Not in the order.] And i'm waiting for my peas that finally bloomed and set fruit: peas and mint sounds delightful.

I'm also happy with my attempt on Saturday and last night with crown braids. On Saturday, i found it a wonderfully cool way to have my hair up, but not piled on the top of my head, (which keeps my head warm and sweaty). And it stayed up as well. I braided my wet hair last night successfully as well, so that's a plan for other wet hair occasions. I took it out before bed, because the crown does feel very unfamiliar, and i did not have patience for working it out Monday morning. Instead i just did a crown-like twist most of my head and have the remainder coiled and pinned in the back (no attempt to wind the ends in).

I did get many little popcorn plants in the garden, along with some okra and a few cucumber plants from my sister. I didn't really feel that motivated, though. With the cool weather on Monday, i took off work in the afternoon to do some substantial mowing and prepare for the sweet potato slips i am picking up today.

I think i've been seeing summer tanagers around the house. First, i had no idea this species existed. I knew of scarlet tanagers, but these don't seem to have black wings. It's possible i've seen them before, at a distance, and assumed they were cardinals.

The horizon is disappearing and instead views out the back are of the green and brown of the woods. I recollect that Thursday morning a week ago the deck was slippery with ice when i went to release the lions (erm, Edward and Luigi) at dawn. Last night i lay down on the picnic table bench to look up at the moon, stars, and fireflies. Fireflies! I guess no one goes looking for them in spring nights, busy with school nights and what not? This confirmed the glimpse i thought i had had the night before of a firefly.

I'd gone outside to be with the sense of grief inside me, instead of watching something or distracting myself. With moonlight and fireflies, though, the beauty of the night sat with me.

Since naming the heaviness on me, i feel a little more comfortable with it. My sister gave me another term yesterday, sisu, yet another one of these Scandinavian terms that seem to be trending across lifestyle websites. Finnish sisu is something i recognize: it's how i got through the couple of years of the terrible Director at work (official date 2011-05-11, but the months before that were colored with the coming change), then the couple of years after Christine's Elephants arrived. And before the merger of the Minnow with the Whale -- the couple of years i was the operations manager and essentially on call the whole time. It wasn't until after the merger with the Whale that i could put the pager down and actually sleep through all nights.

Between being moved out of management and moving to the eastern timezone, so much weight dropped off my shoulders. The Meeting here doesn't have the weight of concerns like that of the large Meeting i attended in California, partly because they have just come through the fire of the North Carolina Yearly Meeting schism. Christine's elephants are getting smaller and less demanding.

I've not needed to practice sisu since moving, really, and even Mom's stroke isn't demanding much from me, sisu-wise. But there are emotional things going on, and i think part of that is from the habit of sisu. Pushing perseverance requires certain coping strategies, and wrapping discomforts like sorrow, pain, and grief in fireproof blankets to keep going: i am good at that. But i also know the cost of that, as well. And right now i don't need to avoid my feelings about my parent's change of being.

What i don't know is what to do with these feelings when they aren't mummified. It feels like an infection. I'm fine, i could take on whatever. But in the absence of that all consuming critical whatever, this throbbing heavy lump and the sense of malaise is very distracting.

I wanted to see if i had a grief tag, and type ahead supplied the gratitude tag. Maybe that's a way through.

I am grateful to be here, to be able to see Mom and Dad in a day to day setting and know the details of what they are going through. I am grateful that i don't need to worry that this is going to overwhelm Dad beyond his capabilities (although i do wish he wasn't leaning on his sisu practice so hard). I am thankful for Christine's compassion, and for her spoon-management yesterday: she was able to be present at dinner with Dad without needing her shields up. I'm thankful for Carrie and the gift of dog-love and joy and energy she can give my parents.

I celebrate Christine's evolution in elephant wrangling, and the new additional project she's taking on.

I am grateful for the terrifying opportunity i will likely have on April 22nd, at work. I am terrified, and i know it's happening as i need to push the working group to be prepared for the meeting we will have in Estonia in mid June. I am thankful i used the time in March when everything was a lull to make my journey plans.

Once upon a time, my procrastination was to read the Usenet. And Usenet obliged by having new posts by the time i'd finished reading all the posts that had accumulated overnight.

When i'm busy, though, my time spent reading the same sources on the internet has decreased significantly, so i've pruned things back. Facebook and Twitter are firehoses that COULD consume every waking hour: the short form is not engaging for me, though, so i am safe there. Now i can get through all my distractions.

I'm happy to say that i don't turn to the firehoses when i run out of distractions. I do watch myself reload, reload, reload. Has someone posted NOW? NOW? One of the things i know about myself in this state is that i'm not reading because i'm curious or want to be present with others. I slurp down words like someone binging on potato chips.

This week i feel i've been able to step back and observe my procrastination, and have compassion for it. I've also been HAPPY.

I am really HAPPY.

I find it a foreign state, but completely natural. And, in complete contradiction to calling it foreign, i wonder if i've been happy "all along." I think, part of it, is that the elephants seem to be more well behaved. It may be familiarity: ah, a stampede, well this will put a kink in our plans but ought to be wrapped up in a few hours. And i honestly think stampedes happen less frequently.

The issue i refer to here as "elephants" has been weighing on me for ages. I look back at my first entry tagged elephant, where i note that i needed to record how Christine's has an issue that was weighing on me for some time - summer of 2014. So i back calculate -- the crisis began in late 2013. So, wow, five years. And, as miracles go, i ceased reporting to my horrible horrible director in October of 2013. As i was coming out of my own crisis, Christine was entering her own.

So, the last time i used the tag "elephant" was this summer: maybe part of my sense of happiness is a growing trust that Christine's crisis is turning the corner.



So, in this happy state, i'm compassionate with my procrastination. Perhaps i've learned that sackcloth and ashes doesn't improve the outcomes of my productivity flows.

I'm also aware of my sense of gratitude: for my job, for our new home near family, for time with Christine in the morning as the winter sun slips up over the horizon.

There's probably some numbness to the national horror too. I've so much cognitive dissonance when considering the body politic.... I feel a bit of hope that we may be going through some cathartic vomiting of deep ugliness that has been festering. Maybe this is what healing the brokenness at the heart of the American experiment looks like?

It is a wonderfully temperate day. If there was just some way that cars would not heat up like little solar ovens in the parking lot. Other than the hot car, it's been quite comfortable, a pleasure after the record heat on Sunday.

I was just driving through the Googleplex en route and on return from Shoreline park. The massive white buses are dense on the road -- but traffic isn't. While i am frustrated by the issues raised by the corporate busses (how pulling those users out of public transit removes the user base to improve public transit for the rest of us), driving around the Googleplex at rush hour made me really appreciate the behemoths. The traffic didn't seem much different from when i worked out that way except for the busses and the clumps of Google bike riders.

I held another's pain today with another person. "This is a safe space," i tried to affirm, but the third person was in so much pain.... I hope that effort will make way for healing.

"Why does God allow suffering if he loves us," was asked in ministry today. Suffering is due to attachment, i thought.

And framing and focus.

That is my experience, and in no way does it mean that one should not work towards justice or offer compassion.

There are some frames and focus by which this year has been horrible. Christine's depression is significant and seemingly ever present. My three months as an invalid seems like lost time.

And yet i feel lighter in my heart, and i don't think it's just that i have a new position at work. The work situation is improving. And maybe that's where this sense of gratitude and providence arises: my work life eased as my care for Christine became more significant. While i don't think my mother is "better," my sister has a new home where she and her family can live in joy and grace.

In other news, my back has been spasming with lower back pain all day. Christine's gone to get groceries so i unloaded the dishwasher. Ha, that wasn't bright. Probably should take comments about suffering from someone in discomfort with a shaker of salt.

I am thankful for my "birthday tea," Mélange de Chamonix: "fine India tea is blended with cocoa, cardamom, and a hint of cinnamon." Its fragrance delights me in the early morning as i make my pot.
I am thankful for Christine and her thoughtfulness: she seems to focus on taking care of me when her own goals slip away. She's negotiating with our landlord about replacing our carpets. I have looked at the Flor carpet tiles in the past and she found them again.

I am thankful for most of my colleagues: warm, honest, and supportive folks.

Dear Tumblr,

I just don't know what to post to you. I'm sorry that there's so much going on in your space, and i can't seem to participate.

Stuck in the Mud,

Me

I appear to be on a hormonal upswing and i have discovered antihistamines yet again, so i think i may be getting a groove back. Is it just coincidence this low follows travel or is it a consistent effect? I have a hard time believing it's coincidence time after time. I have such a chalenge with time-habits; place habits seem so much easier. It seems that travel disrupts me so and then i have to start anew, and at the same time i am "recovering," demotivated and disorganized.

I suspect it's getting easier over the years as i recognize patterns and work to balance them.

Meanwhile i am developing odd skin irritations. I am beginning to be worried about bed bugs in one of the hotels i was in, as the irritations don't seem like my usual skin irritations. One particularly odd inflammation on my neck certainly matches a cheery google image search. I will be highly irritated if i brought them home (literally and figuratively). In fascinating Wikipedia reading, apparently bedbugs were suggested as a treatment for hysteria.