elainegrey

After meeting i descended into a funk. I'm not entirely sure what the funk is about. One thing could be about art and struggling to figure out the dissatisfaction around the collage i made yesterday. I felt a certain resolution, though, as i realize i was treating the photos i take as some sort of stock library. From those i was trying to find one that said, "generic seasonal greeting to you." But i don't take photos to say, "generic seasonal greeting." I take them to say, "Wow, this is what i think is lovely bit of world," (mostly, i think).So, by treating them as stock photos, i am not sharing myself or my vision, and that is why it's unsatisfying.

But i was still in a funk after that.

I went to have my new glasses adjusted, but the place was closed. That could help enforce the funk, but at least i have a pair to wear that are comfortable.

Christine noticed how out of it i was in the grocery store -- yay, we did a grocery run! -- so she encouraged us to go out to Shoreline for a bit of a walk. That was good for me, but the sun that came out during Meeting was mostly hidden by the time we were there. I did switch to the uncomfortable glasses to test how the brown tint fared compared to my comfortable glasses grey tint. I was pleased. Instead of reading the filter as "it's about to rain," which is how it seems when i where the photogreys, these read as "sunset soon." It's still better for me to remember to have the glasses that don't turn for cloudy days, but the brown will definitely help a little.

By the by, i bought a ten &*(@ dollar two @&)$(*& pound loaf of quinoa and something else gluten free bread. I imagined a nice big artesian loaf, but instead it was a dense cereal bowl sized dome of slightly bitter, crumbly Stuff. I can usually enjoy my food mistakes, but this one takes special effort to enjoy. Well, and lots of cheese or hummus or something.

There might have been ministry in meeting that made me a little blue, along with my own reflections. I'm feeling challenged by helping and caring for the community -- i don't feel the sense myself. I think this is a chemical distance, a false distance -- there's something about the feeling that that could very well be depression. Not feeling community, it feels meaningless to serve the community -- i tell myself i'm avoiding working on the real problems of the world. I question whether anyone cares. Blah blah blah. As i write things down, i know these little thoughts are all little dysfunctional scurryings in my brain. I'd hoped they'd disappear after luch and dinner, but it's there.

One challenge right now is my sense of the Divine. I feel challenged to "pick sides" in some sense: join some small discussion group to share in some sort of foundations of belief type discussion. One person is struggling to feel accepted with his scientific spirituality. I certainly could have affinity with discussions framing experience in this frame, although would likely continue to be heretical, but i really don't want to talk about the various frames i can use to interpret and share my experience and practices. More and more they all seem useful but limited to me, and to most people they are Very Important. I don't want to pluck crow feathers from elephant trunks [1], nor do i want to have to explain all the magic feathers i carry around. But instead of just pleasantly practicing with my magic feathers, i end up carrying defensive discussions about my magic feathers with myself. Yes, i know the feathers are the important thing, but ... and you see, there it goes even when abstracting to this level.

Anyhow, the defensiveness is not helping my practice.

And, as that goes, the practice i've felt led to feels like it's led to a dead end. I have an annoying suspicion that i'm *not* at a dead end in this practice of transformation and engaging with community, just so much in the middle of it that a higher level comprehension is not available at this time. "All circuits busy, " doesn't mean nobody is there. Still, i feel lonely and like i've lost my way.

[1] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dumbo#Plot


Didn't do laundry.

Did get a load of dishes run while cleaning out the fridge, making the enchilada casserole with a variety of left overs and odds and ends, and sauteing the rainbow chard. I probably do the greens a disservice by just simply sauteing them - -i should probably find something to make food poetry, but if i do that, then the veggie is left to fend for itself in the bottom of the frige too long. Better to simply cook it fresh than be creative.

I don't think i know how to write poetry anymore.

Work tomorrow.