elainegrey

Saturday attended our warm and sunny Hands Off protest. Apparently around 1000 folks had registered. I'm not sure what the average "signed up but didn't attend" vs "attended but didn't sign up" ratio is. Lots of people i met or knew had not signed up (EG: Christine, my sister, many of the yoga center folks).

Christine wanted to go to both Pittsboro's and Chapel Hill's gathering, so I met up with a yoga community i have only occasionally engaged with and walked over with them. Once there, my sister and i realized we were both there, so eventually we met up. After the march around the large block, she and i went for a cider. She shared that nibling E had finally recovered after a spring break of being sick, and they were going to Carowinds -- an amusement park about two an a half hours away -- on the next day. My sister made some sad sound about how E wanted ride the roller coasters and that was not something she enjoyed. "Oh but i do!"

After i got home we finalized that ,yes, i would go with them. I realized E's birthday was coming up, so i bought "Fast Lane" passes for E and myself. E was delighted with the gift. It wasn't that necessary, as lines weren't crazy long, but it was a delight to not leave my sister behind -- but peer pressure?  We got my sister to ride many of the rides. Over the day she reflected on trust and my dad's constant harping on metal fatigue etc etc, so i think she was reflecting on why she was afraid of them.

I realized that OMG they are DIFFERENT from the roller coasters i grew up with.  Hypercoasters and gigacoasters are new -- and a really different thing from the wow of Space Mountain and rides at Carowinds when i was growing up. But wow wow wow what fun. And by some fluke E and and got to ride in the front of the Fury 325: looking down the 325' drop at 81° is AMAZING. It was strange riding the 1980 built Carolina Cyclone after the couple rides on the 2019 Copperhead Strike: it was so short and so jerky. And it was worth going to REI to buy a strap to hold my glasses on: i don't think they would have survived. At the end of the day, my sister rode the gigacoaster Fury 325 with E and I, one of us on each side, and i think she actually had fun.

We might go again when my brother's family is visiting: we chatted with him during the drive to the park and he too enjoys roller coasters. I don't know if i can rank the coasters i enjoyed most: Afterburner, Copperhead Strike, Fury 325, and Thunder Striker. We didn't get to the Cobras coaster -- something to look forward to.

I did feel i was on the edge of not fitting in the seats.

We came home to more leaves than when we left: it really seemed that the record and near record heat in the area has pushed leaves out.

Despite worrying about running out of energy, i have been reasonably energized since this weekend. Monday was very rainy and grey, so i wasn't planning on being outside. I spent the work-to-dinner time sorting out an insurance claim against our 2024 policy that is going through yet another correction (now some claims are denied because they are too late). The weird data handling with splitting up the twenty odd appointments into different claims, then having most but not all in identical statements of benefits took carefully mapping to a table to understand what has happened at the insurance company.

It feels intentional.

Tuesday's condition of enoughness is protecting the blueberries from the freeze. Nothing to be done for the leaves that popped out from the fig and the flowers on the mulberry. Maybe it won't really freeze.

I am marveling and delighting in how relaxed i am after this trip. I managed to keep that sense of being grounded throughout the work day. My evening goals were not met -- laundry has turned into a cold plate of yams[1] -- but i had a lovely time on the deck with Christine.

Christine was pretty elephant besieged since i have been back, so a lovely evening is also something to cherish.


[1] http://elainegrey.livejournal.com/1041377.html?thread=1116129#t1116129

I had a pretty good day. I took it easy at work, and did catch up on a significant fraction of the accumulated email. I do enjoy my colleagues and made a point of socializing a little.

I keep envisioning the falling of a winged maple seed: letting go, letting the wind of wisdom carry things away from me. We are gathering things at home for donation to the rummage sale for a Quaker lobby group: let them go, land in someone else's hands, who can use them. Let my worries go: where they land, let them be transformed into considered action. Let go, let things keep moving, changing.

Tomorrow is an early start day, and then a number of us are going to the funeral for a colleague's wife. I feel more comfortable attending the funeral than the Shiva evenings later this week. I respect how my colleague and his family have dealt with the long time they have had to live with the knowledge that R's cancer was going to bring about her death sooner rather than later. The amount of energy the family had -- canning tons of cabernet grapes into jelly, raising chickens, pressing olives, my colleague working a full time job (and also getting frustrated with various things), two kids, a Bat Mitzvah, presenting at Makers Faire.... Sadly, i found myself comparing me too often to them: how can they do so much? This line of questioning has not lead to anything meaningful over the years. Each of us has our own set of spoons, and feeling you ought to have more spoons isn't going to change the number of spoons you have.

This evening i caught up reading what folks share here.

I also did the after work "conditions of satisfaction" i set for myself. Tiny little increments forward in a couple of directions and a good evening walk.

We also had my smoky maple veggie sausage that i made yesterday. I don't know if the pot in which i let the water steam away will ever be the same, but the sausages turned out well. I had a honey mustard sausage for lunch. More veggie sausages in the future for us.

After meeting i descended into a funk. I'm not entirely sure what the funk is about. One thing could be about art and struggling to figure out the dissatisfaction around the collage i made yesterday. I felt a certain resolution, though, as i realize i was treating the photos i take as some sort of stock library. From those i was trying to find one that said, "generic seasonal greeting to you." But i don't take photos to say, "generic seasonal greeting." I take them to say, "Wow, this is what i think is lovely bit of world," (mostly, i think).So, by treating them as stock photos, i am not sharing myself or my vision, and that is why it's unsatisfying.

But i was still in a funk after that.

I went to have my new glasses adjusted, but the place was closed. That could help enforce the funk, but at least i have a pair to wear that are comfortable.

Christine noticed how out of it i was in the grocery store -- yay, we did a grocery run! -- so she encouraged us to go out to Shoreline for a bit of a walk. That was good for me, but the sun that came out during Meeting was mostly hidden by the time we were there. I did switch to the uncomfortable glasses to test how the brown tint fared compared to my comfortable glasses grey tint. I was pleased. Instead of reading the filter as "it's about to rain," which is how it seems when i where the photogreys, these read as "sunset soon." It's still better for me to remember to have the glasses that don't turn for cloudy days, but the brown will definitely help a little.

By the by, i bought a ten &*(@ dollar two @&)$(*& pound loaf of quinoa and something else gluten free bread. I imagined a nice big artesian loaf, but instead it was a dense cereal bowl sized dome of slightly bitter, crumbly Stuff. I can usually enjoy my food mistakes, but this one takes special effort to enjoy. Well, and lots of cheese or hummus or something.

There might have been ministry in meeting that made me a little blue, along with my own reflections. I'm feeling challenged by helping and caring for the community -- i don't feel the sense myself. I think this is a chemical distance, a false distance -- there's something about the feeling that that could very well be depression. Not feeling community, it feels meaningless to serve the community -- i tell myself i'm avoiding working on the real problems of the world. I question whether anyone cares. Blah blah blah. As i write things down, i know these little thoughts are all little dysfunctional scurryings in my brain. I'd hoped they'd disappear after luch and dinner, but it's there.

One challenge right now is my sense of the Divine. I feel challenged to "pick sides" in some sense: join some small discussion group to share in some sort of foundations of belief type discussion. One person is struggling to feel accepted with his scientific spirituality. I certainly could have affinity with discussions framing experience in this frame, although would likely continue to be heretical, but i really don't want to talk about the various frames i can use to interpret and share my experience and practices. More and more they all seem useful but limited to me, and to most people they are Very Important. I don't want to pluck crow feathers from elephant trunks [1], nor do i want to have to explain all the magic feathers i carry around. But instead of just pleasantly practicing with my magic feathers, i end up carrying defensive discussions about my magic feathers with myself. Yes, i know the feathers are the important thing, but ... and you see, there it goes even when abstracting to this level.

Anyhow, the defensiveness is not helping my practice.

And, as that goes, the practice i've felt led to feels like it's led to a dead end. I have an annoying suspicion that i'm *not* at a dead end in this practice of transformation and engaging with community, just so much in the middle of it that a higher level comprehension is not available at this time. "All circuits busy, " doesn't mean nobody is there. Still, i feel lonely and like i've lost my way.

[1] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dumbo#Plot


Didn't do laundry.

Did get a load of dishes run while cleaning out the fridge, making the enchilada casserole with a variety of left overs and odds and ends, and sauteing the rainbow chard. I probably do the greens a disservice by just simply sauteing them - -i should probably find something to make food poetry, but if i do that, then the veggie is left to fend for itself in the bottom of the frige too long. Better to simply cook it fresh than be creative.

I don't think i know how to write poetry anymore.

Work tomorrow.

I think part of what is making the emotional recovery from the trip hard is that i am not ... implicated ... in the painful emotions. Whether it's chance or the result of many years of learning, none of the things that have disturbed me are things that i'm involved with particularly. Talking to my sister as she was recovering from surgery today -- alone in her hospital "room" -- i flash back to visiting her home on Friday after Thanksgiving and her palpable pain and frustration with being a firm parent for her three year old son. She knows she needs to set boundaries, and she does, and he rebels, and she has to be firm, and it takes so much out of her -- she is such a wonderful mother and she's coping with her own battles with depression and anxiety. I witnessed the pain and frustrations, experienced it, boxed it away, and focussed on the joy and the delight i had being there with her and her children.

It's like i need to relive the visit, slowly unboxing the boxed up feelings from witnessing my dad's technological and financial anxieties, listening to his aching pain in trying to make my mother happy, the feelings from listening to my mother's litanies of complaint and analysis, witnessing my sister's struggle to find balance, witnessing Christine pouring herself out to support her sister (and then gasping as she was drained dry only to drain more with tears).

My aging aunt and grandparents.

The sprawl of Orlando and the tiny remnant acre of orange grove near the cemetery.

My mother's ache as she placed flowers on her mother's grave (my guilt at forgetting her mother's birthday was on Thanksgiving).

None of these things are really about me. I've learned how to deal with my anger and reactions, learned how not to hold on to my mother's litanies of critical analysis by recognizing it's not about me.

The feelings i have boxed up aren't in themselves poisonous or toxic or damaging. They are just the grief and sorrow, the shadows of the joys of the trip, and some how i need to learn the right way to feel these in the moment and not lock them up for such clumsy unpacking.

Exhale.

Evening Review
Give thanks, share beauty, note joy:

Oh, bah, there was something i was very thankful for this morning -- i was going to write about it. I think it's that i let myself experience the support of having my boundaries respected. I have a volunteer role, i'm clear what my limits are, and now -- when someone else is dropping their responsibilities -- folks are respecting the fact that i don't need to pick up the pieces.

I feel like a slacker, delinquent in so many other responsibilities, it is delightful to experience saying, 'No, i can't," and having it respected and even called out.

I spent time in Meeting reflecting on that, on Simplicity (the theme of this month's advices and queries), on patience.

I am so confronted with how i cannot change myself except over slow and deliberate effort, with only small steps -- if i try to change too much... And others in Meeting were thinking of the atomic anniversaries: Nagasaki and Hiroshima. Someone spoke out of her heartbreak and anguish over her horror of those atrocities. I wonder about changing the world, changing myself. Am i sitting on my hands as injustices occur? And i think of the compassion and care particularly Christine shows to critters -- in the interconnectedness of all things are small acts of mercy and care just as important?

I also napped with Greycie, notable because i don't nap well, and i'm certainly not used to Greycie snuggling with me.

Noteworthy events (dining out, errands, correspondence):
Made it to F's for her knitting party. She was trying to clean out her yarn stash, and i took some russet yarn that went with my "Tatooine" dress. I'm making a stole.

( the usual )

Evening Review
Give thanks, share beauty, note joy:
I'm happy can work at home, happy for the mildness of the days, the blue skies i can gaze out at, the sunset with its shimmering colors.

And crochet is a pleasant diversion, although i swear i had to undo so much work ....

Playing with cats, petting and snuggling the cats is also a joy, although i worry about Edward, his roaming and needs, and i worry about Mr M and his needs.

Noteworthy events (dining out, errands, correspondence):

I contacted nutritionists, which is a major yam. I've no idea why. Probably just the dread of finding a practitioner who is OK but difficult and unsatisfying. I have to admit: i've had great luck with my last several mental health practitioners. My primary care doctors have been disappointing.

i'll note that Christine is dealing with cauliflower, although she says the traditional frog might be more appealing

( the usual )

I would love to post an entry, but allergies attack. Thursday night i chose not to take the antihistamine, planning to take another in the morning. I forgot and was fine. Gee, i thought, what with no pollen alerts for a couple of months, maybe i can cut back? And so, i didn't take one last night, and this morning i am miserable. I coped with this for three decades? Thank heavens for modern antihistamines.

Evening Review
Give thanks, share beauty, note joy:

I'm particularly thankful for The Consultant, originator of the product i support. He is supportive, helpful, and able to rescue us from failure and ignorance and the battleship inertia.

Noteworthy events (dining out, errands, correspondence):
* First use of bluetooth headset with Skype & computer went quite well except the flash player doesn't seem to work with it. I suspect this is some sort of stereo output issue and could be fixed if i got a fancier headset -- but then the headset would not work with the Treo. The best thing about the headset is that it is NOT stereo: one ear is free to hear what is going on around me. I feel more comfortable that way. And i can wander about, knowing if someone is trying to skype or message me or send email, i can hear the alert and get back to them. Or not.

* Went out with Christine for a Mexican dinner and the movie Up. And, oh did i sob at the first sad bit. Other than that, a good time.

( the usual )

Drove R-E to work and back yesterday, by way of her mechanic. She moves in a week or so. I regret not being more social and yet simply being both colleague and neighbor may not be enough grounds for a bond.

Christine prickled on a local GIS list. Her prickling was for a good cause, but i obsess about the "self sabotage" such prickling could be. I recognize that i shy away from net-confrontation... and i wonder about gender socialization and the deep motivation i have in wanting to be respected. She is far more the crusader. She is willing to take the risk of being alone, i worry about her being alone.

Mr E slipped out into the night yesterday, after a days of managed outing in harness on the deck, and one afternoon excursion when he stayed on the deck when called. He returned this morning, 6:45 ish, slipping back into the bedroom to his corner of the bed.

I spent last night obsessively updating one of my blogs to the latest Wordpress. Two more to update. I think the behavior was a reaction to the first time i could loose myself in such a task since the days of dyebaths over the Fourth. There's a zone i slipped into, but i resent the time it took. I shouldn't: the zone is a healing place to be. Yet the outstanding Things To Do (upgrading wordpress not on that list) prick my conscience.

Yesterday morning i wrote, " I am delighted, DELIGHTED, the 6 am Wednesday call is cut. " But then, there was another 6 am meeting.

There's much with the work i do i'm finding irritating. But when i go to rant, i realize, it's my job. if everything ran smoothly, i'd not need to do anything. Unfortunately, since all my projects have significant boundry crossing functions right now -- department boundaries, oceanic boundaries -- as well as a collection of special cases, new collaborations, new processes -- there's a great deal of turbulence.

....

I spent the evening watching an animated Batman, Hancock (good, with an odd ending), and an episode of that British vet sitcom, doing crochet with a size 8 hook (that would be small).

I miss writing. Not sure whats up with it.

Both Christine and i think we're under the weather. we both also have tooth/jaw aches. Could there be some lymph node or gland inflamed?

Evening Review
Give thanks, share beauty, note joy: Rosy dawn, ripening tomato, Greycie Loo is made of boing and plays with abaondon with a dragged string, avacado and sprouts in a soft tortilla hits the spot. And little little stitches soote something in my mind.

Noteworthy events (dining out, errands, correspondence):


( the usual )