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Thursday, May 2nd, 2024 06:55 am

Apparently quoting a lawsuit is a quick way to have an a&tt forum post restricted. Yesterday our DSL, phoneline, cell data, and cell service all went down. I was VERY frustrated, because the amount of cell service we consume is small -- we use the house wifi for everything -- but we want it there when we need it. I wanted to know if the AT&T outage was due to Brightspeed (previously Lucent) and quoted part of a lawsuit i'd found searching on both parties. This morning the post is 404'd. But a Nextdoor post had a neighbor commenting that not only had she lost Brightspeed and AT&T but also Verizon.

I would love to know who cut what wire.

In good news, brother in law B-- got an early surgery ablation and should be able to go home "soon". This was during the outage so it was particularly nerve wracking but sister in law D-- was online at chatty when access came back at 9:30 pm and could share happy updates.

Less coughing (while i was offline?) yesterday. YAY!

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Wednesday, May 1st, 2024 07:38 am

Had third harvest of strawberries yesterday. The walking track around the community colleges has a tree with ripe mulberries and (once i started looking up) many trees with ripening berries. Mine are still small pale things.

Found a practice for stopping coughing (https://www.wsh.nhs.uk/CMS-Documents/Patient-leaflets/Physiotherapy/6386-1-Stop-Cough-Technique.pdf) that i will try today. Tired at the end of Monday and Tuesday.

--== ∞ ==-- Issues in Christine's family )

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Tuesday, April 30th, 2024 07:35 am

I just bought from Old House Gardens' end of season sale - https://oldhousegardens.com/ - edible flowers (and vegetable parts) for the garden plot.

Rosalind is a selection of the the H fulva var rosa daylily. I doubt it will be much more red than the double selection "Kwanzo" but i fantasize about having the different colors in salads.

And then i bought two dahlias: Thomas Edison, known to have tasty tubers, and Wisconsin Red (dated from 1910). I'm hoping Wisconsin red, being a less manipulated plant, might have tasty tubers, too.

--== ∞ ==--

Christine had an investment opportunity to discuss yesterday. I asked not about the target itself but how the investment would be handled. She was excited about the opportunity and my questions made her prickle a little. I felt mean for poking at the detail, but id led her to research the third party and it became clear that what one was doing was paying into a pool at party A that would invest in party B. Which is the only way i can think of this really working, and my question was how trustworthy was party A. But it was enough for Christine that party A was involved. I thought party A looked like they had a reasonable track record of existence and might not close up, but the site for the FAQ had a bad TLS certificate and my browser wouldn't let me reach it -- so side eye. We passed on this investment.

--== ∞ ==--

I can't stand the feeling in my chest so i am coughing and clearing my throat.

I had a cold last week with lots of drainage. I have been trying to follow the ENT's advice not to clear my throat or let myself cough but unfortunately went on a walk near a fire on Sunday and the lung irritation is setting in.

I ate cough drops yesterday. Is there a cough suppressant that is OK with wellbutrin? I find cough suppressants creepy and have avoided them for decades. Perhaps they won't leave me feeling weird now. My message to my primary care provider (hopefully after a cut).

Read more... )

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Monday, April 29th, 2024 07:23 am

I have fought to keep from coughing all weekend. Going to see someone's gardens in the country -- how troublesome can that be? Pretty bad when smoke from a fire drifted through. As i looked at the hostas, my brow furrowed. On inquiry, it's their two free ranging Great Danes that protect their hostas (and two shaggy donkeys). So, if i was willing to really ward off deer AND have lots of nonnatives, including invasives  -- hostas! helebores galore traveling off down the slope! A pond filled with yellow flag! Italian arum! -- yes, i too could have a lush shade planting pretty quickly.

I did find out about https://plants.ces.ncsu.edu/plants/phacelia-bipinnatifida/ and wonder how well it would fight stilt grass. It's lovely even if it doesn't....

The NY Times alerted me to the hard rocking trio of Muslim women VOB https://www.voiceofbaceprot.com/ which reminded me to go check the hard rocking trio of Mexican sisters, The Warning, and find i've missed one album and a new one is on it's way.

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Thursday, April 25th, 2024 07:36 am

I think i am starting day 3 of a cold i caught on Friday night. The malaise and fuzzy headedness swirls with my grief in the confirmation that a colleague who has been out since 11 January has long covid including cognition issues. I'm sorry for myself because of all the new colleagues i have and how much i miss having a partner in planning with the depth of experience to keep up. And thinking of this bright and clever colleague slowed down by covid, i'm mad, angry .. and the worry about my own mind circles.

Covid test was negative, so i'm just sick. I am trying so hard not to let myself cough, clear my throat. Anything to prevent triggering the cough.

And i wish i could convince my brain that pretzels and sugar are not going to make me feel better.

Anyhow, off to work probably a half day. I think i can keep my brain cells together that long -- but i was remarkably less coherent yesterday.

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Saturday, April 6th, 2024 08:42 am

gas can

I could not find the telephoto lens' solar filter last night. Looking for it triggered all sorts of critical thoughts, some at the household for are shared disorganization, some at myself for what is in my control. I think i have mostly corralled all the camera equipment in one box now, so that's a step forward. I did find a mount and little tripod i could take for the cell phone camera. (And since i can use my watch as a remote trigger, that will actually be helpful.)

Christine asked if not finding something was ADHD, and i restrained myself from pointing out how she didn't know where all the kit for the GoPro was, but just observed that we both have a lot of kit and we haven't found places for everything to go. This is where i think both our families of origin didn't help us. My Mom had a magazine level standard for how things should appear but her own ADHD meant there was also chaos . And since she and dad had so much friction, he didn't have spaces where he could model order. Christine's family was more happy with clutter, and Christine is very much a magpie, with so much kit and the many stacks of books.

Months ago i had said to myself taking the SLR would be low priority, so while it resembled an ADHD last minute panic, it wasn't. It was an opportunity to look for all the bits of camera kit and try and get them in one place: more of the ADHD hyperfocus. And the fact i can't find the filters and can't clearly remember my intentions around camera filters is frustrating me no end. Did the solar filter get ruined in an unfortunate cat incident that i have wrapped in layers of self shame and disgust? Or are there filters stashed somewhere safe, and i'll find them in five years when i finally have space for all my kit? I can't imagine WHERE i would find them, but SIGH.

This week was very draining at work, but i did go for two work walks and one walk with Christine and Carrie. By the end of the week i also was using the standing desk. I hope i can pull myself out of the sourness i've had. I do wonder if there was a bounce to euphoria when my coughing stopped and then March was a dip when breathing wasn't a panacea for everything. the gas can

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Wednesday, February 21st, 2024 07:28 am

Things i need to process

  • Last Thursday's unsatisfactory visit with the ENT where reflux is blamed for the ongoing cough. I've written a rambly review, asked Christine for thoughts, got back a gentle suggestion that there was too much distracting detail, and then wrote this.

I acknowledge the medical field has been under much strain, but I feel like Dr REDACTED listened much more the first time I saw her than the recent visit. This visit I felt a little railroaded into a determination of cause, and find Dr REDACTED did not bring any curiosity to addressing a chronic cough that has been with me since the mid 2000s. This cough has been mis-treated as asthma for about twenty years, significantly predating COVID. My spouse who joined me to help keep attention to details felt she was barely acknowledged and felt uncomfortably Ignored.

I am very frustrated, but so very happy i am not coughing Right Now. I'm not sure what i will do other than monitor my sinuses for the next few months so i can have more clear information for the nose surgeon i see him. I know i need to process this more

  • all of the retreat, which is not necessarily done here but with other people. I think the org may be headed towards multiple practical schisms. The fact that a  similar but different event is being held this coming weekend with a clear association to one of the national organizations by a past clerk the org is interesting, but i think the schism is between those who see the need for a national virtual organization that offers the services of a monthly meeting and those who focus on the twice a year gathering.

  • worship sharing where i realize it might be the case that i am a joyful person. Huh.

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Sunday, January 28th, 2024 06:01 pm

The hellebore in the front are budding -- i've not visited the ones i transplanted from Mom's woodland patio yet. And i saw my first bittercress with buds.

Today i scrubbed the front steps. There's still a ... patina  ... on the bricks and sandstone, which i appreciate from a wabi sabi aesthetic and the general principle that patinas are protective layers.  I think this spring after the pine pollen-calypse[1] i will use a touch of bleach though, because the algae growth  on these north facing steps is pretty significant.

[1] note that "calypse" in "Apocalypse" is from the Greek /kaluptein/ ‘to cover’ -- and that is PERFECT.

--== ∞ ==--

In other news, i finally had all the usual caffeine today. I'm still eating much lighter and differently. Christine's eating normally today, so hopefully i'll be fine tomorrow. My sister came down with similar the same day Christine did, which was just 24 hours or so after visiting with Dad. I'm finally coming down on the side that this is some contagious misery as Dad's sweetheart and someone else in the organization Dad is involved in also has misery.

--== ∞ ==--

These photos were taken on Sun 21, when i was raking the mossy glade (and other areas):Read more... )

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Saturday, January 27th, 2024 10:54 am

I had the most wonderful insight earlier this morning as i settled into the morning meditation. As a child  i learned to box up emotions like anger and dismiss my physical discomforts. I've been unpacking, unlearning. But, ah-ha, i also learned to box up other emotions, like joy. Perhaps instead of "depressed" i can frame my experience as "suppressed."

One of the "resilience" practices was some sort of emotional tracking -- given a time period, what was your most  distressed, identify triggers, etc.  A week or so ago i made my own tracking system where i also track the best state. I poked around on the internet and found a "harmony scale"   (https://www.claudialebaron.com/blog/the-joy-scale-part-2) I think it is very deficit in the middle range, and i think the implication that these states are all on a linear continuum between joy and fear is wrong. But in recognition that "Perfect is the enemy of good," i started with this scale as a way to prompt myself to identify the best state i had in a time period.

This has been a good practice.

I had to add states like "diligent" and "engaged" which seem more positive than "neutral,"  capture my state much of my work day, but i hesitate to label those as strongly as "contented". Frequently those are the bottom of my experience, which is pretty good (and i think better than "neutral"). I added "frustrated" too, because it's something a little more negative than "neutral" but less than "overwhelm". I know "overwhelm" , but  "frustrated",  honestly, is maybe the most negative i might be in a day. I've also continued to use the textual terms from this version of the Subjective Units of Distress Scale (SUDs) - https://lindsaybraman.com/suds-distress-feeling-chart/ . And that's helpful because it captures things like, yeah, sure, i'm frustrated, but i'm merely at the level of noticing the frustration, not stuck in frustration, not pulling my hair out.

I find myself satisfied, content -- and it's only been a brief bit of time, with vacation and a big chunk of time feeling Not Well (and not bothering to record). But this is important to recognize. (Also, i am still in the delight of Not Coughing All The Time.) And one time i recognized that walking Carrie at night in an area with street lights but not enough development to make it really busy -- that had moments of quiet joy. I can cultivate those quiet joys.

I think, with so much suppressed, i haven't had the resolution to see all the gradations. Awe, incredible magnificence, or nothing. But this is training myself to see the experiences that are available as ground for happiness.

--== ∞ ==--

Meanwhile, i shut down on Thursday and read three novels to not notice my embodied self after an evening and night of nausea. Gently back to work yesterday.... and i better go get a walk now before it rains. The weather has been bizarre warm after some keep the tap running to protect the well from freezing cold. Not helping the sense of physical well being.

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Monday, January 22nd, 2024 07:36 pm

Christine has apparent gastroenteritis with her fever at 100°F last we checked.

I have now worked in the yard! Sunday afternoon and  -- i took time off -- today. The eastern part of the yard, including the mossy glade is raked, letting the moss and the Dichanthelium species native grass get plenty of light and air as we go through this coming week  and unusually warm weather. I've lots of leaves piled in an area that became too much stilt grass and i intend to nuke from orbit -- i mean flame weed-- when the stilt grass begins sprouting. I'll eventually move these leaves back to where we had many trees cut down. Thickening the mulch will be useful as i suspect stilt grass seeds got spread around whit the work.

Today i cut down autumn olive and some sapling sweet gums. I was thinking we'd have our tree guy come cut down three more large-ish sweet gums, but i think we can wait a few years: i think they are short enough that the pines and tulip poplars will be more of a shade issue -- and those stay,

While i was out, i selected a top of a sweet gum to bring inside and decorate with LED fairy lights. Thanks for the encouragement, tamena https://tamena.dreamwidth.org/! It's mesmerizing to watch the lights change colors in waves . Without knowing, i seem to have gotten the right number of lights per branch to have a single color segment on each branch. I'd not been precise, but i decided the shorter branches should have denser lights, which ended up with each branch having a similar number of bulbs. I don't know how i realized that would look  more balanced, but it does.

One  colleague in Ohio was exposed to COVID this weekend, another colleague in Sheffield England has tested positive. It's his third case?   I suppose Christine could have COVID, too, so we'll probably test her tomorrow.

Retreat planning is also taking mental cycles.

I'd hoped that work would settle with Friday's deadline, but the  new director is now all about taking the plan and pulling it apart and reassembling a couple different ways. Fiddlesticks.

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Monday, December 18th, 2023 07:27 am

I asked the universe for a time line game and now have two. The first i found is  https://wikitrivia.tomjwatson.com/  and i find that the NY Times has had one (and has learned from the viral behavior of wordle how to let people share results without spoiling the game for others):

Flashback for December 17, 2023 24 points 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟥 Play here: https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2023/12/15/upshot/flashback.html

When i stepped outside this morning to open the deck door for the cats, the ISS (at apparent magnitude -3.4 m, which is very bright) was crossing the sky. Venus hangs very brightly in the east, and perhaps the bright star in the cherry tree's branches, high above the back porch, is a Arcturus. My recollection is that it was quiet, no frogs singing, despite it being fairly warm due to the storm that brought warm air and moisture up from Florida. It seems the storm left lots of rain, but the state has power this morning so any outages were few enough that they could be fixed quickly. There's flood warnings, but i hope the drought drained reservoirs will be able to hold back enough to keep the coastal river communities from floods.

I rested all weekend and hope i am better enough to take on the week. The cough is still productive, but i have at least restored my self for work. (And the 8:30 am meeting. Sigh.)

I hope that i can recover enough -- and Christine recover from a family induced distress -- that by Thursday night and our anniversary celebration we can be in a bit of a holiday mood.

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Saturday, December 16th, 2023 02:23 pm

Today's random research: looking at buoy sea images in the Gulf of Mexico led to gazing at bathymetry along the continental shelf, led to "What are those round lumpy things west of the mouth of De Soto Canyon?" led to depressing research results about coral destruction after the Deepwater Horizon blowout but also learning the location was referred to as "pinnacle trend" and finally to the explanation that they are ancient coral reefs from the last ice age (10kya) that have "drowned" below the levels where corals continue to form reefs. https://oceanexplorer.noaa.gov/explorations/islands01/background/islands/sup5_pinnacles.html

Today's culinary experience was grilled romaine. I had a small head that was going bitter with age, so that seemed like a good use. Cutting up enough stuff for a salad seemed daunting. But i did cut in half nine cherry tomatoes and sear those a little, too. It was good, and i appreciated the warmth. I probably should have used balsamic vinegar instead of the lemon juice, and i do have basil growing in the window -- i'll try to remember for next time.

Thursday night i threw together cans of coconut milk, pumpkin, and garbanzo beans to make a half-hearted curry. At lunch the next day Christine completed seasoning it -- i'd forgotten i'd bought fresh limes specifically to add.

I ended up taking Wednesday and most of Friday off work, just too exhausted. I tried working Friday but when i started crying i figured that was a sign that i should rest. This morning, tears, too. The stronger steroids took a while to get due to shortages: Friday afternoon i finally got the stronger steroid and montelukast.  I montelukast started AFTER a bout of tears -- important for me to note since there are some potential mental health side effects from it.  It also will take about two weeks to take effect, but hopefully that means 2024 might be better.

Wednesday i completed Jenny Schwartz's "The Adventures of a Xeno-Archaeologist" series. Yesterday was Melissa Scott's "The Roads of Heaven Trilogy."

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Tuesday, December 12th, 2023 10:15 pm

It's been 70 days since i recorded that i have a cough. I am so tired of it. I am trying to avoid predicting a future i cannot know: well,  i should not use the word "never". Instead, past performance indicates I am likely to get better.  And, it's plausible I will feel as fit as i did a year ago in the future. This is a flare, the nurse practitioner said, after i realized i could belly breathe with no coughs but if i breathed "deeply" with the top of my chest, woo, spasm away. This is typical, that laughing and talking and moving trigger coughs, she said. I knew it was a flare, i didn't doubt it is a flare, but it is nice to have confirmation. And she did blood draws to just make sure it wasn't something else like the respiratory whatsist

But no prednisone. Instead "Advair 500-50 Diskus", which  i was warned might be a fight with my insurer, but - HA- won't get that far because "Your Rx xxx4XXX is not available from the manufacturer. Please call 919-9XX-0XXX for next steps. "

And i should take the albuterol 3x a day.

Also, yay, antibiotics, which shocked me, but maybe i'm trusted to follow directions and finish the meds. I think this is so if any bacteria come along looking at my common cold ravaged immune system, they'll be slapped down before they can get a toe hold.

I've read a novel, the best way to keep me in my seat.   Jenny Schwartz's Astray, with four more to read. Amazon wants to sell me all of the rest at once, but that's a recipe for not getting any sleep.

I did start Edith Wharton's Ghosts, which were interesting but just not what i am (ever?) in the mood for. I couldn't quite understand the end of the one about the eyes, with odd feel of the Portrait of Dorian Grey about it.

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Saturday, November 25th, 2023 02:15 pm
Gosh, time is just slipping away from me. Friday, I spent as i did Wednesday, just reading novels. I could swear there is a Liaden universe novel ... ha! I finally figured out the right search terms to turn up the book i remembered. Well, there's a seventh novel to read over this break. I was delighted to reread the novels: reading them so close together i can see the full design that appear to merely be little threads that of decorative detail against which the plot each novel is rendered. And, i am NOT a very good reader -- rereading shows me that.

I am trying to focus on the pleasure of the reading and not my irritation of more lovely days passing with me on the couch and not outside. The cough continues. Monday i will be checking to see if the referral has gone through and following up if it has not.

And... there, having discovered the novel i wanted to read, i have read it.
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Tuesday, November 21st, 2023 07:03 am
Christine is being particularly thoughtful as we approach holidays, it seems. She encouraged me to buy one of the giant pomegranates at the grocery last week, and i have been enjoying the glistening red jewels with my breakfast since then.

I had a weird issue with firefox browser: i have apparently grown to depend on typing a code -- the title of a bookmark -- into the address bar and having it quickly populate with the details. Or type a domain and the familiar resource popped up. It stopped for a while, and i had some frustrating trouble shooting and even more frustration with a support form mis-fire that lost my careful documentation of all my troubleshooting efforts. It's back now. It felt like stumbling around in the dark without it; i am so delighted to have the efficiency back.

We expect a good bit of rain overnight through Wednesday: so glad. Not only is there a drought but i think a dead deer by the road might be stinking up the area. Wednesday i will go pick up my trees and shrubs and it looks like i will get to plant them in the rain. But it's not raining yet, here on Tuesday morning, despite the prediction. That's good because Christine is wrangling pets to the vet.

Because Luigi screams in what seems like pain when i try to work on his belly mats (which i have misspelled as "matts" on the photo for the vet), we are having him sedated and his belly and leg pits shaved. My hope is i can keep him groomed after this. I assume part of the pain is the pulling of the hair in the mats. I know this is ridiculous pet care privilege, but it is also spousal mental health care and relationship care because Christine becomes so agitated listening to Luigi scream.

TMI sinuses )
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Monday, November 20th, 2023 11:38 am
Friday: https://17sounds.substack.com/p/readiness-is-all Christine has a video here of the first tree coming down, a crepe myrtle that we asked to have removed while the tree guys were here to get the other trees that were blocking the solar panels to some extent. We took out around twenty sweet gums, plus two maples, two oaks, and the black gum (tupelo). One oak and large sweetgum were growing tightly around a persimmon, and were also not really in the solar panels' way. We left the black cherries (Prunus serotina) that are at fairly mature heights. One resource says they get to 80 ft: i estimate the pines must be 90 ft, so these could be 80, but probably 70 ft. The crowns aren't very wide (because of competition with the sweet gums) and they always seem like wispy trees. They loose their leaves quickly in September and don't seem to shade much in the spring. And they are such good wildlife trees. Anyhow, they stay. I weeded in the garden plot and was disappointed by all the stilt grass -- so many seeds falling. Then i did a good bit of raking in the back yard. I was definitely exerting myself, my face red, the tree guys all said i was working as hard as they. (No.)

After that wrapped up, I had a call with B--, we always let it go too long before getting togehter again, and she's now worried about me because i was coughing from the asthma again and was flushed.

Saturday: i was so tired, and i spent so much time looking at the stock at Mellow Marsh Farms. I've placed an order for three sourwoods in 1 gal pots (slow growing to 20-30 ft with vibrant fall color), a serviceberry in a 5 gal pot (A canadensis, grown height 15-25 ft, flowers! fruit!), two ninebarks (fast growing to 5-8 ft, with showy white flowers, berries, and hopefully bright autumn color), and coralberry (Symphoricarpos orbiculatus, 2-4' tall with showy berries and hopefully showy autumn color). They didn't have fringe tree (Chionanthus virginicus, also slow growing to 30' apparently) but i will get that else where. After the showy white flowers, it has has olive like fruit that can be cured like olives. Anyhow, lots of bird food to replace the horrible Elaeagnus umbellata (Autumn olive) that grows thickly and shades everything out. Everything was "deer resistant -- i'll still need to fence because the deer have eaten so many "deer resistant" things. Like the cactus, for crying out loud.

Later, i went into town to a "pop-up park" where there was some little festival, to see my sister, her daughter, and meet the director of the theater she's starting as a nonprofit for her daughter after the very dramatic meltdown of the community theater this year .. in January? Home via the co-op then to my sister's with Christine for an awesome game of scrabble. For years we've been talking about getting together with my sister and her husband more frequently; his job has changed dramatically recently and now we have a chance.

Sunday i was going through email and stuff, including getting the next meeting of the Quaker planning committee organized. I was also pouting: beautiful day, AGAIN, and i was sitting inside all day, AGAIN. Christine got us organized to walk Carrie and then return downtown to listen to my niece sing at the tree lighting. I am so appreciative of that: it's not like i was not doing anything, but i wasn't doing what i had in mind. There was enough time when Christine changed between dog walk and downtown that i got some leaf raking done.

It's now past 11 and i feel like i've done nothing yet. But i have journaled! And we have reservations to take Dad to a Thanksgiving lunch. He called proposing we get together, which was another of these thoughtful things, but it was sort of inviting himself over and the house is not really clean or orderly. I don't think we want the pressure quite yet. Christine's been thinking about it -- a lovely gift from her to me, to propose something she's comfortable with -- so we now have settled plans! Miracle! Outstanding is when my sister wants us to come over for deserts, but that's probably flexible.

And i have done other things, but i haven't looked at my todo list since Thursday morning, so that's next.

I am wondering if i have a cold again on top of the cough. Curses.


Standing in the street with other festival goers looking at the courthouse in the dusk.
From Sunday Night at the town tree lighting
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Thursday, November 9th, 2023 07:13 pm
Wednesday: Therapy. Assignment is to schedule a pleasurable activity every day, something that can be used as a reward or incentive. Fifteen minutes seemed like the minimum duration. It's a little longer than i really want for a sort of "Spend an hour on the project management work and then you can do X" type reward. I spend so much time in this edge space of doing things that are a pleasure but also good for me, like reading your journals and writing my own. This is my social interactions, i can't not do it. I don't want to say this is contingent on something else. But it's also a pleasure (except for the part where i want to write a comment and don't know what to say, or when feel i need to reply to *your* kind comments and it's hard to think of the words with which to interact).

I explained my breathing misery and my plan to see if i could get into a specialist: it turns out the clinic needs a referral. And then i was explaining how hard it is to see my primary care, but i'd put in a request for a referral. The land line rang from my doctor's office with the option of a 7:45 am appointment on Friday (telepresence was OK!).

Thursday: After work i spent 15 min petting Edward, which he pretty much appreciated. I will admit to looking at my watch. I think i needed more distraction right after work than that, because my mind went to some work questions i needed to tease apart.

I also spent two hours hanging out and talking with the team about what we were committed to doing, various technical design issues, trying to help them organize releases. It was a bit draining to be on. I recognize i say extreme things ("Feel free to tell me i'm stupid") that stem from my discomfort in talking. It's not helpful. I need to find a way to be more grounded as we go forward with me being more active with them day to day.

Friday: Visit went well with primary care, on the same page. He sent me for an x-ray (negative), and will be making a referral. I am fuzzy about how magically the referral will work: i will send questions about next steps Monday evening if no other information appears.

At lunch i found myself in tears over my overwhelmend feelings with respect to facing holiday planning.

Another change at work: i'll be attending standup. It's been so long: i feel some stress about the visibility and the hyperawareness this will trigger for me about my effectiveness. Another place where i will need to be more grounded.

My after work reward/incentive was to read one of our many art books, Clifford Ross: Landscape Seen & Imagined. This was better in that my mind could have other things to hold onto, and i did not look at my watch.

Last night & this morning: read a novel, then stalled. Novels are hard for me to use as an incentive because i don't stop. It the complete binge that happens and then the fact i did not intend to spend all my time reading but needed to do other things that

Just had a trigger to my overwhelmend feelings with respect to not being outside and my stalled sense. Frustrated at the planning fail for my brother's visit. Dad wants us to be together tomorrow, didn't realize my brother will also be here Monday and that i have taken time off work for it. All very nebulous..... and sister L called, we've come up with a visit schedule, and [insert trenchant observation about who does the labor of coordinating schedules here].
elainegrey: Inspired by Grypping/gripping beast styles from Nordic cultures (Default)
Tuesday, November 7th, 2023 09:10 pm
Monday: Dad called to confirm he could go on my eclipse trip with me. It was such a relief to have him commit. Read more... )


Anyhow, feeling better about that.


Meeting with ExecDir J went well. He'd been told i'd rather die than manage so, yeah, i confirmed that -- and also let him know i had already reached out to the team to provide support. I think he got the message i am willing to help and make sure the team feels supported.


Today, this evening: prednisone has not yet knocked the cough out. I was feeling somewhat disenheartened -- my primary care provider is so hard to get into. So, i decided to see about whether there is a pulmonologist i could try and see. Lo! UNC Health Care has an asthma clinic in my small town. Well, i'll call them in the morning and try to get an appointment as soon as i can.
elainegrey: Inspired by Grypping/gripping beast styles from Nordic cultures (Default)
Monday, November 6th, 2023 06:47 am
Just read an NIH continuing education notice about Albuterol. I have been using the thing all too little. 4-8 puffs every 20 minutes for 4 hours?? Maybe that level of aggressiveness could keep me to getting where i am, which is at dose 2 of prednisone in an hour or so. I saw the telehealth doctor early Sunday morning and was able to have a prescription at the grocery store before their pharmacy opened. Christine says she can tell it made an improvement by yesterday evening.

Anyhow, today has meetings in anticipate will bring me responsibilities and tasks i do not want: one about a spreadsheet (which might be OK? but if we have to make estimates and forecasts this is the creeping impact of my colleague's departure), and one with the ExecDir J where i will have to deal with his lack of focus and his need to shuffle staff to make up for all the departing staff. I need to write notes about what i want out of that meeting. Oy, i have well over a half hour's worth of agenda.
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elainegrey: Inspired by Grypping/gripping beast styles from Nordic cultures (Default)
Friday, November 3rd, 2023 06:52 am
This past week

Saturday: a chat with Dad as he's driving off to play poker at the American Legion. Background: He's been seeing the same person for almost a year, she's introduced him to all her friends and family members. He doesn't know "where things are with her". I think, she's in the bleeping twenty-first century Dad and you are in the 1940s. "She's in a relationship with you, you 'have' her," i tell him. Does he really need her to wear a ring to signify that she's (cough, cough) "his"? During this call he says he's thought about it and yeah, it's probably true. (I've not met the woman, my sister has only glanced at her. My brother did get to have lunch with her.)

Sunday: lovely, mad at Dad because he was rude when he called for tech support and i started explaining the fix and he cut me off. Also stressing about Monday.

Monday: long hard workday using up all my focus on tiny details and stay on task energy for the week (exec function)

Tuesday: Because i understand what i used up on Monday, i can watch myself and how it impacted on Tuesday. I also know Tuesday's work schedule will not need much of that capacity, so it all works out.

Tuesday: another colleague announces departure. For keeping score

* 2022 Spring New Exec Dir T hired
* beginning 2023 Exec Dir T moves to another division
* March 2023 New Exec Dir J hired
* June 2023 my manager goes to T's division
* Early Oct Director for the teams i work with goes to very different company - he's been passed over for the exec dir twice.
* Mid Oct Principal Engineer for the team i work most closely with (eg the leader for the team in engineering) goes to T's division
* Oct 31 Manager for the team i work most closely with goes to the same very different company

The team i work most closely with is probably shell shocked. I've reached out to them and said, i would help, how do they want me to support them on their support job? And feel free to ask me about anything they would have their manager, i have managed before.

Exec Dir J wants to talk to me about the team. I'm am trying to figure out how to be very clear. No, i do not want to be a manager, and i cannot provide the benefit to the organization that i do now if i try to also do that job.

Tuesday: provided Dad tech support. Still mad. He knows how to ask people about themselves, he does it with strangers etc. He doesn't know how to do it with his daughters.

Wednesday: I dress in a good mood. Look at me, putting on colorful hair extensions just because they will look good with the sweater, and earrings, and necklace! By end of day, feeling dreadful. Headaches. Asthma flare really bad. My sister is back home from a road trip with her family, i call and we rant about Dad. She shares his boorish behavior over the past week. I share a little about work situation. We plan to get together the next morning. Feeling even worse after grocery trip. Possible it's hair extensions pulling + asthma + a lunch of full grain barley and cabbage?

Thursday: Meet up with sis at co-op for breakfast and herbal tea. Talk about her trip, a little more about my work. Bought buckwheat and water for health equipment and other impulse buys. Home, spent a few hours reflecting on the future and came up with guiding statements that sort of say where i want to be in the next decade, and some more questions to think about. Back to work after lunch.

I'm actually peopling this week, having some social (and quasi social) zooms. Which is novel-ish. A sign my depression is fading! On the other hand, i'm leaning into "asthma flare so i can't" a lot. I tried reading about asthma advice and i can't tell if i am recalcitrant or if i should really get checked for COPD. I really don't feel like exercising or doing things that require exertion. You should exercise, says the asthma advice, but all the advice seems to be for people with regular asthma. Not "i've been coughing for a month."

I'll try to get in a walk down the hill today.
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