elainegrey

Yay antibiotics! Feeling better. Still didn't don the walk or standing today, and had a headache by lunch -- but better!

I'm taking stretching, balance and strength off my todo list -- i haven't done them in months and deleting the reminder or marking them "punt" is not motivating. I need to figure how to get them back in my day, step by step.

In other headaches i do not need, UNC Health and United Healthcare are having a contract spat. I want UNC to win, but that may mean they walk away from United Health Care. I do not know that i want to pay for the out of network plan just to keep UNC and i will be Very Annoyed if i do that and they settle their dispute. [After discussion with Christine, she's willing to do the out-of-network paperwork for her therapist, and we will probably end out ahead if we choose the "choice" plan and not the HMO, so we have a decision i am not annoyed with.] Then, of course, is the fact that the urgent care and hospitals near by are UNC Health. I guess i need to make some calls to the "corporate concierge," the support number our company pays extra for so we can actually get help from our insurance provider. I hate American health care insurance.

[Looks like a Duke-affiliated hospital in Sanford about 30 min away; UNC and Chatham hospitals are 20 min away, so not dreadfully further. I assume

--== ∞ ==--

I've been trying to figure out a reward system for me during work. I do not need to I'm going to try playing with a sort of doodle /tracking reward. I might be just tracking "time passed" but making something colorful might be a good reward. Too tired to explain. Will experiment tomorrow.

We are sick with some low grade respiratory unhappiness. Probably a cold. So out of practice in having colds. Wail. Still negative COVID.

I worked a bit in the yard Saturday and exhausted myself. Sunday the dog walk was sufficient to knock me out.

Over the weekend I've poked today at some decluttering of the papers collected in folders and clipboxes in the "portable office" book tote i keep near where i sit on the couch. The emotional disruption of doing so was nontrivial -- lots of correspondence over the past years to which i meant to reply, seeds i meant to record planting -- but then i processed the emotions using The Anti-Planner. I am better. Clearing out the past correspondence opens me to going forward with refreshed intentions.

I also chose some books to deaccession: that was less emotional, probably because the choices were driven by absence of emotional reaction. One of the books was The Spiral Dance, which meant so much to me years ago. Now, while i think i may want to return some seasonal observations more actively to my life, i trust my own intuition with that. I don't need to reference another's practice.

( Depressing extended family situations )

I will admit i am in a bit of a mood.

On the other hand, when i receive a text from a short code that asks, "Please complete your patient form in advance of your appointment.
https://examappointments.com/CDN/dif/tv/dif.html?[more URL]" the first thing that comes to mind is phishing. ( It wasn't, but.... )

DAY SIX OF GLOOMY WEATHER.

Welp, the steroid high is gone. Still happily breathing through my nose. (Yay)

However, things have piled on ( just listing things bugging me to get them out of my system )

Urgent care visit at 9 am. I think:

1. this started when i switched from sleeping with the fog machine to with the CPAP
1a. CPAP humidity a challenge. I upped the temperature, but that means the relative humidity is lower. I'll try dropping the temperature slowly to where gurgling begins in the early morning (instead of after two hours.

2. Not drinking water means mucus is thicker, thicker mucus is more uncomfortable in my thoat.

I think humidification and more drinking may help, and may be why i felt better midday yesterday.




Doodling my feelings



Hunting hawk


Did i write about the baby rabbits? I think this hawk found one in the deer mesh enclosed trellis area. I was so worried the bird would get caught in the mesh, but they figured out a way into the area, flushed some critter (pretty sure it was a young bunny), figured a way out, and apparently caught the critter.

Also seen yesterday morning, deer in the back beyond the orchard fence. I think Marlowe was communing with them. I didn't notice them as i rang the breakfast bell, paused, heard Marlowe meow from the picnic table and THEN the deer near the fence by the picnic table bounded off. Another deer was by the deer block (salt and other supplements) and stayed still.

This morning an adult rabbit was in the driveway.

Christine and i had been pondering maybe ducks someday (for eggs and insect predation) but, watching the hawk hunt, nope, i do not want to be responsible for small prey critters.

After work on Thursday and Friday i was very sedentary. At some point in there i developed a very painful sore throat. Friday i went to my sister's briefly in the evening for a small gather. Her daughter was off to an end of middle school dance (and left before i arrived), and her son had a school art show. I then returned home to collect Christine, and we drove to the art show and supported W-- in his art.

Christine [5/21/23 12:33]
W--, I enjoyed your art display. You might find some kindred spirits in two of my favorite artists: Gerald Scarfe (The Wall) and Francis Bacon (1909-1992).

W-- [5/21/23 18:58]
Thank you! I haven’t looked into Gerald Scarfe before, so I’ll look into him, but Francis Bacon is one of my favorites! You may enjoy perusing some of Zdzisław Beksiński—he’s who I would call my favorite artist.

While W--'s distorted body parts did not speak to me, his artist's statement put them in a context in which i could see them.

Saturday evaporated.

I did play with paper and made a A6 notebook of art paper separated by what was sold as tracing paper but was cheap tissue paper, and had a couple pages of standard bond paper printed up for a table of content and notes. Adobe's InDesign is ... not so easy to use because it does bizarre things with groups and layers that look like bugs to me. But i have made nifty fiscal year calendars and little weekly notebooks for work that may bring some order compared to the scraps-of-paper or stacks of random 3x5 card notes that i have been scribbling for work. Because the notes are SO transient, i hate using a "nice" notebook for them, but the scraps were somewhat less than useless because the context was completely lost. With a little 16 page pamphlet i have enough white space for the week, plus five pages for the work days, and a "table of contents" front page. The little sketch book is nice enough for pleasure in using, small enough that it's not intimidating, and short enough that i can keep it for one thing.

I have a rather nice blank book that i am using for experimenting with colored pencil color combinations. Saturday i experimented with a warm yellow + cool yellow + lavender grey as the final in my series of warm/cool primary plus similar color (crimson+poppy+process red, true blue + ultramarine + black grape). I'm making little "Interactions of Color" panels à la mode de Joseph Albers and doodles. I'd bought "101 textures in colored pencil" by Denise Howard, and i'm experimenting with that (using my color choices, not hers). I'm hoping with these exercises i can develop a sense of what i can make with colored pencils.

Yesterday afternoon, i did get out and mow a little bit, disturbing some very young bunnies. I left the main patch where they were unmown. I weeded some, disturbing another young bunny. I wonder if bunnies are to blame for the absence of some of the squash seedlings, but it's more likely some combination of old seed and gardener inattention. Just like packets of zinna and cosmos seed seem to have produced one seedling each. Fie.

I'm hoping mowing has helped me get back to the yard.

Meanwhile, i have the worst sore throat i can remember. Are my symptoms due to [contagious condition of your choice] or due to surgery recovery? Fie. My throat doesn't have any tell-tale conditions that scream "strep" or "tonsillitis" compared to Google images, but omg did my sleep get interrupted. I think that when i plugged the heated tube in i didn't remember how to correctly adjust the humidity, so it may be i need more moisture in my night air. It could be due to irritation in the saline rinses for my nose. Nothing seems to help. Christine realized how bad it was when she nudged me to use the throat spray i hate, and i told her i already was.

We now have two game things. Christine has replaced our 18+ year old XBox with the latest Playstation and she bought Stray for me. I'm not sure how well I will do as this is no my usual choice of amusement. She also bought a thing i had seen on Etsy when i went to look for a backgammon board. It's a laser cut triple game board for the Babylonian royal game of Ur, Aseb/Twenty squares, and Senet. The first rules Christine found for Aseb required tossing a 4 with the throwing sticks (that are not thrown) to move your first piece on the board. Christine went a whole game without throwing a 4. I don't think we will use that rule again. It's probably more fun when friends are looking on and gambling on whether you will EVER get a 4.

Just done with 12 day Postop appt. They pulled out some large clots and I am So HAPPY!

Dad is sounding much better -- and restless. *headdesk* I sent him the CDC exposure and isolation calculator: https://www.cdc.gov/coronavirus/2019-ncov/your-health/isolation.html

Christine seems to have no symptoms. I'm left to assume all my symptoms are surgery related. We both tested negative today.

Tuesday we drove to have the curbside post op visit. Christine then got to remove the cast after i took a long hot shower. I think she was far more gentle than the doctor would have been; they ought to give the shower advice to everyone. I didn't get the cleaning out that i got on the first post op visit, but the view of the angled long nose pliers coming at my face to hold my nostrils open was happily missed. The removal was emotionally draining, though. I did get stretches and a walk done, but not the balance work.

Yesterday i tried to "do a day" - keep up with the basic self care to do list (including stretches, balance work, walking and breathing practice) and feeding the cats in the morning. I also had my usual pot of tea. I assume everything seems so slow because i am not sleeping well: no CPAP, so congested. The balance exercises are awkward -- i miss the windmill toe touches between the balance practice, but no bending over. I also miss the cat-cow in the stretches.

Today is racing by with me just getting the basics handled. I guess i also took the COVID test and (before that) steamed my nose. I can't believe it's almost noon. I should get dressed for outside so i can get in the ten minute walk at noon. I am so glad i took two weeks. I can imagine "working" but glad i can continue to be slow in my recovery.

Monday:

Happy May Day, Happy Beltane, whether it is a spiritual observance or simply a time to note that the day lengths will be changing more slowly now as the planet swings towards solstice. The manic race, in my temperate clime, of critters migrating through and plants completely changing their aspect, is over. Now is a deepening. Change continues, but it's change of more: more intense, more complete. In August, change in quality begins again, as the day lengths change rapidly crossing the equinox and transforming from more one way to more the other.

It's not a precise change of tempo: different plants, different animals have different cycles and rhythms, but the overarching rhythm changes quality now.

Happy things: I made a salad dressed with rose petals, dandelion and clover buds, borage and spiderwort flowers.

I've picked four strawberries from the garden plot. The dual effort of reproduction is fascinating. The plant is offering up the fruit with seeds to be dispersed. And, as i was reminded reading a botany book, these seeds have the genes shuffled. They might fall in a warmer, cooler, wetter, drier, brighter, shadier location than the mother plant. The genetic shuffling and the randomness of dispersal hopefully will produce a winning combination.

But now the plants are girding up for cloning. At least those in the garden are happy enough to stay put, and they are putting their energy into creating runners and throwing out little clones to take near by suitable locations. Because this is suitable for the parent plant, the clones should also find it amenable. No genetic shuffling needed.

Little do they know that i am interested in them as a ground cover, and i plan to dot the clones in the gaps in the native grasses. There are some native wild strawberries in the lawn and by the road. I see the flowers but never the fruit. I assume any berries outside a fence will be for critters. (I know i'm sharing the ones inside the fence, but they aren't eating fast enough to deprive me.)

In surgery thoughts: https://www.utep.edu/herbal-safety/populations/herbs-to-avoid-before-surgery.html

I think we will have a bonfire tonight: i want to burn all the dried flowers that have been decorating rooms. Some of the dried grasses are multiple years old, they're all probably dusty. Clearing out will make room for this year's discoveries.

In bad work news, for myself, i want to record that today i did (said) something very stupid at work - -i was indiscreet. I know the indiscretion was blurting, but it could be interpreted as far more intentional and malicious than it was. I am mortified and understand the roots of the word too well.  My manager has put a note in my record (i guess that's what the email is intended to be). I've sent the same HR person a question as to what is next. I don't know if an explanation or an excuse is appropriate. There's no one directly to send the apology so, that makes it weird.

Anyhow the sensitivity to criticism is also something i feel intensely. I do so much to avoid that... I'm doing pretty good distracting myself from the distress. I hate that this happened days before i am out of office for weeks."

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Wednesday: my manager saw how distressed i was and has put me to ease, somewhat comically as he tried to advise me to not let it bother me -- but, well, it should bother me some. I hope to never have to negotiate that level of error again. I have been assured: people make mistakes.

--== ∞ ==--

So, i expect to have surgery on May 4th (8:30 am, apparently) and then my expectations reach the vast land of uncertainty. How soon will i be able to focus mentally? How soon will i have my glasses back on comfortably? I've never had

I don't see myself languishing for lack of amusement, no matter the state of my vision. If i can read, there are all the physical books that are stacked in to be read piles.

Christine, Carrie, and the cats will be company. My sister and dad will check in. Will i want more company? I will let you know if i am up for video or phone visits.

The garden is the place where i am the least effective and where help is the hardest for anyone to provide, and yet also there is no end to what can be done. I am slowly learning different levels of surrender. When i mourn the lost time, i note to myself that this surgery is not that different from taking a business trip this time of year. (Here's hoping the bending over restriction is lifted after the first two weeks)